


Helpless

by Sassy_Dinosaur



Series: Single Word Prompts [23]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Depression, Established Relationship, M/M, Post-Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie), Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-14
Updated: 2016-09-14
Packaged: 2018-08-15 01:44:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8037349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sassy_Dinosaur/pseuds/Sassy_Dinosaur
Summary: The other guy crashed the twinjet into the ocean and Tony’s entire world fell apart. He had no one to live for, no one to take care of and love. He only had himself.





	Helpless

**Author's Note:**

> This is depressing. I wrote this on a road trip a few months ago while it was dark and raining. I wasn't in a good headspace, but now I am. I just needed to vent all that negative into something/someone and like always I chose Tony Stak.   
> Poor Tony. When is he gonna get a break around here?

Tony sat alone in their lab. No. His lab. No.  _ The  _ lab. Alone. 

 

Without Bruce it was too quiet, too pitiful, too lonely.

 

The other guy crashed the twinjet into the ocean and Tony’s entire world fell apart. He had no one to live for, no one to take care of and love. He only had himself, and anyone that knows Tony; really knows him, knows not to leave him to himself when he’s depressed.

 

Even with Tony’s too loud music playing, the lab was still too quiet. Tony could only hear the lack of Bruce humming as he worked. The lack of Bruce hitting his elbow or hip on something for the hundredth time. The lack of Bruce talking to Tony, and understanding what he was saying.

 

The lab was pitiful without Bruce there to clean up after Tony. A twisted part of the engineer’s mind told him if he kept it messy then Bruce would come in to  clean up and chastise him for having a dirty work area. Bruce never came. 

 

Empty beer bottles littered a corner of the lab.They were from a month ago when Tony had slipped up. Almost a year sober now down the drain. Tony had decided not to do that again. The hangover he got the next morning wasn’t worth the emptiness only disappearing for a few hours.

 

He’d have  to find other coping mechanisms.

 

Loneliness swallowed Tony like a thick fog. He almost felt helpless. Almost. He knew he was depressed and that he’d been on the verge of an anxiety attack for nearly three days straight.

 

Without Bruce at the tower with Tony on one was there to make him sleep. Natasha and Rhodey tried, but it didn’t work. They weren’t Bruce. They didn’t force him into bed and then lie on top of him to keep him there. They weren’t Bruce.

 

The others forced him to eat, but they didn’t do it like Bruce did it. Bruce had this way of asking Tony to eat that he just couldn’t make himself say no to.

 

Tony’s mind seemed to get to fast and too slow all at once. He tried not to think about Bruce, that he didn’t get to say goodbye before the other guy crashed then twinjet.

 

Tony’s mind always seemed to circle back to a conversation he had with Rhodey a month, or so, ago. They’d been talking. Well, Rhodey talked and Tony listened. He talked about plans and things to do to get Tony out of the tower. “What do you want to do?” he’d asked after giving all the options. Tony was surprised and worried when the first thought that popped into his head was  _ ‘die’ _ .

 

He didn’t tell Rhodey about that. He, instead, let Rhodey take him to someplace he didn’t care about. He let Natasha take him to lunch in Chinatown. He let everyone look at him like a hero. Then, at the end of the day, he downed too many beers to count and got drunk for the first time in almost a year.

 

The thought had alarmed Tony, but not enough to do anything about it. Even after a year of Bruce being gone, Tony didn’t believe that he’d be suicidal.

 

It wasn’t just Bruce, though, He had a stupid war to try and stop from happening. He had Steve forgetting about their friendship. Steve’s new, and  _ old _ , friends trying to kill him. Media. Life. Everything was building on Tony’s shoulders.

 

Tony found his new coping mechanism. He knew it wasn’t healthy. He knew he should tell someone. He knew he should stop, but he can’t. His way of coping made scars litter his wrists, thighs, and stomach. He was almost always tired from blood loss, and no one noticed. No one noticed the scars, cuts, and scabs because he always wore his suits i9n public and sweaters inside.

 

Nat saw one. Tony had been careless and one deep cut on his outer thigh. This one couldn’t be covered by his boxers like the rest. She got him all the way out of bed before she saw it. “How’d you get that?” she asked. Tony made a bullshit answer involving the lab and lack of sleep. Natasha seemed convinced. She never brought it up again. 

 

Tony has been sitting in the lab for almost four hours doing nothing. Just sitting. Nat and Rhodey had both left early without telling him where they were going. They’d been gone for ten hours at least. 

 

Tony’s phone rang and he thought about ignoring it. He did, until whoever it was called right back and then three more times. His thighs hurt from day old cuts rubbing against denim. As he sleepily stumbled to his phone. He picked it up and hit answer before looking at the caller ID.

 

“Tony here. What’s up?” he sighed out tiredly. His last ‘Coping Session’ - as Tony called it - took a lot out of him. 

 

Nat answered, there was a familiar roaring in the background. “I’ve been trying to call you. Everything alright?” She sounded distracted as she spoke. 

 

“Yeah, everything's fine.” Tony lied. He was anything but fine.

 

“Good, good. Is the Hulk-out room in use?” again, she sounded distracted. Suddenly she started yelling in Russian to someone on her side.

 

“No. It’s - it’s empty.” Tony choked out “Why?” he was beyond confused and days without sleep wasn't’ helping.

 

“We’re going to need it. We found Bruce, Tony. Well… the other guy. Something's wrong.” Tony’s heart stopped. Everything stopped, started again, and came crashing down on Tony.

 

“What’s wrong?” Tony demanded, or tried to demand. His voice came out a broken whisper.

 

“He won’t de-Hulk. The lullaby isn’t working.” Nat spoke loudly. She was trying to be heard over the roaring. “Tony, I have to go. We’ll be at the tower in about an hour.” with that she hung up.

 

Tony didn’t move a muscle. He was paralyzed with anxiety. Too much was happening.  _ ‘Not de-hulking’ _ circled around in his mind. He was hyperventilating. He dropped to his knees and pressed his back against the lab’s pristine wall. Tony put a hand over his mouth to muffle the sobs forcing their way out of his throat. 

 

Now, Tony felt truly helpless.


End file.
